Face Your Fear

Hello everyone,

    So as many of you know on April 10th I gave birth to my second daughter. I wasn't able to have the home birth experience that I was wishing for with this one like I was able to have with my first daughter. I was heartbroken and depressed.

But before I get into the second birth, let me first explain the first one.

I was 39 weeks and already had 5 previous false labor days. I got fed up with the false labor keeping me from doing what I wanted to do so I decided to move it along. I drank (painfully) some castor oil and went walking. Sure enough real labor started, but it was slow. The first day the contractions were a steady 8 minutes apart, contractions lasting a whole minute long. Nothing I did stopped them so we knew they were real. Second day we called the midwife as they went down to 5 minutes, but they weren't strong enough. The late night of the second night (going into 3 days) I was exhausted, worn out, and the contractions were very hard. We called the midwife again and sure enough I was at 7cm dilated. I took a bath and walked around the house and got it to an 8cm then the midwife broke my water to get it moving along. I got to a 9 1/2 and started pushing. I pushed for a whole hour and the midwife had to help push back some cervix to get her out. But once she did, she was beautiful healthy and crying great.  I was so proud of myself that I was able to hold off for the nearly 3 days and have the natural birth I wanted.

Now for my second, this was very different....

First, I was having random complications throughout the pregnancy. Nothing to do with the baby, but more of my physical health. My immune system was shot and I constantly got sick, and I got sick with things I never had before in my life (one of them being pink eye). I had sprained muscles in my lower abdomen (suspected torn ligaments) from carrying around my 4 year old. I did at one point have to stop contractions to prevent preterm labor. But that was due to high stress. When it came time to start planning for the birth, my midwife had asked for the payment due. Unfortunately my bf and I were to blame for poor planning and weren't able to make final payments in time. We were forced to look into our other options. Since I had insurance we decided to go ahead for a hospital birth, but without a physician I wasn't able to do any pre-planning with the hospital. I was forced to wait until I was in full labor to go into the hospital and be seen by the on call doctor. Which I didn't mind, the staff at the hospital I chose was very nice and a lot more supportive than a previous hospital I chose.

After having my late baby shower I was given the HORRIBLE castor oil again. After the first failed try (I stupidly tried to drink it straight, I quickly learned I needed to mix it with something hot) I gave a couple days rest and went at it one last time. I was woken up two nights in a row with contractions (having to call into work) then later in the day was disappointed with the contractions fading away. I was determined to let it go and go back to work until the baby decided to come. On the morning of the 3rd day I wasn't woken to any contractions, but sent my bf off to work. An hour later I was woken up to something different, my water broke. Quickly getting my bf back home and waking my mother we rushed off to the hospital where the contractions started to hurt. I thought "oh this isn't so bad I can handle this" OH boy was I ever so wrong......3 hours later I was still in triage getting blood work and paper work done (my mother helping me with the paper part). I was only dilated to 5cm and the pain was more than I ever thought it could be. I was vomiting with each contraction and thought my insides would literally explode. This pain was VERY different from my first's. I quickly realized and admitted to myself that I could not handle this pain. It was a humiliating moment for me as I was so proud of myself with my first daughter that I did it naturally. I felt like I had gotten weak over the years. I had a break down moment and allowed myself a self pity party then got over it and told the nurse I wanted the epidural. My mom gave a frustrated sigh and I felt even more humiliated but at the moment I didn't care. Once I got into my labor room I was over joyed when I saw the doctor that would do my epidural come in shortly after. The feeling of being pricked in my back was strange and unlike anything I've ever felt. But! Once the numbing came in and I was able to regain energy (I was passing out in between contractions) I could have cried with how relieved I was. My bf then asked me how I felt about being at the hospital. I'm sure he was expecting me to still have the opinions that I carried before or to have dropped everything I had believed in. I was actually neither. Yes I still believe hospitals are not places to have a healthy birth, hospitals are a place to have babies in emergency situations as that's what hospitals are MADE for. You don't go when you get a paper cut right? Same concept with having a baby. Being pregnant is not a disease and shouldn't be treated like it when you go into labor. However, to have the option there to have a more pleasant experience is within our rights. Every woman has the right to chose the homebirth experience or not. I wish more women explored it and weren't so afraid of it. Because (as what they may not know,) they can always change their mind, while BEING in labor, to go to the hospital. And it would be the duty of the midwife to honor their choice regardless of the preparation.
Back to the story. Because of the epidural my body was relaxed enough to allow my body to get out of being stuck at 5cm  for three hours and go to an 8cm. But then I stopped again. I was stuck at an 8cm for possibly 4 1/2 to 5 hours if not longer. They put me on pitocine, which I didn't agree to (morally) but I understood that being in labor after the water breaking raises my risk of getting an infection and I was in 12 hours of my water breaking. On the 13th hour my pitocine was upped a little more and finally we had a baby on the way. My legs were propped up and I was told to push hard. Feeling the pressure due to the pitocine I knew where and how to push. First push, she crowned, second push her head was out then a half assed push after that and she came out! I was super proud of myself that I was able to do that so easily compared to the first time and I was numb! I couldn't believe I was able to feel as much as I did without feeling pain. And I was able to be filled with bliss when I saw her and heard her cries, instead of feeling the afterbirth contractions. I couldn't stop smiling for hours after she was born.

Do I regret having a hospital birth? No!
Do I regret having a home birth? Hell no!

What I learned from my experience was probably something I needed to learn. Which was that you can have a beautiful and great experience either way. You have to decide what's best for YOU and you only. It's not about what anyone else wants you to do, you know your body, you know your limits. I had two VERY different births and I wouldn't trade one over the other at ALL. I love them both, I love the experiences and the lessons they both taught me.

Now I have two beautiful little girls that I can't get enough of.
I'm one blessed momma :)


(no quote this time, sorry XD)

Yin Yang Sakura